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June 21, 2002 GAY PEOPLE'S CHRONICLE 11
bigtips
Wasn't I supposed to have done something big by now?
by M.T. 'the Big Tipper' Martone Dear Big Tipper,
I've been feeling very sad lately because I feel old. I'm turning 45 this year, and while I've always taken good care of myself, my face is getting wrinkled, and I can see that every day my body is headed down a road that only goes one way. My skin gets a new funny little spot or bump every month or so, my hair is thinning, and my feet have these weird calluses on them.
Besides what's happening physically, I feel like all the performers I see are getting younger and younger. I've been putting off getting a haircut because I don't want the same old look, but I don't want to look like foolish having my hair cut the way I see it on young guys at the gym, if that style is too young for me. My doctor is younger than I
am.
I have a good life. I'm single, but don't lack for dates. I have a good job and wonderful friends and family and I own my home and have my health, thank God.
Why should I feel sad? I just keep thinking I was supposed to have done something important, and it's too late. I'll never be famous. I didn't start my own business. I just wish I didn't feel like this.
Silver and Old
Dear Age Against the Machine,
Make some older friends, boyfriend. I've never felt older than when all of my friends were younger than I am. Having older friends is also brilliant because not only are you not
the wrinkliest, but you see people doing interesting things at different ages. I have friend who's just finishing her Ph.D. as she closes in on 50, and she's working in Africa. My mom didn't get her first job outside the home until she was over 40, and she's very well respected in her current career.
When we're kids fantasizing about our futures, we don't have enough information to plan it all out. We don't have any idea that we'll have four or five separate careers. That we'll move somewhere completely unexpected for a partner or a job. That we'll have to leave school and finish later or not at all. That we may end up with debt or health issues that limit us.
That's why we need to keep figuring out who we are and who we're supposed to be, and how we're supposed to get there. It's also reasonable that, like the fact that I no longer fantasize about how good my legs will look in those Jordache jeans and leg warmers when I lose weight, the goals we created for ourselves are just out of date (and in my case, scary). It's easier to coast on, and be disappointed by, our old dreams. It's difficult to re-imagine what you should be doing now, based on who you are now, but wouldn't you rather have goals you actually want to achieve, and can imagine yourself accomplishing?
It's highly likely that you've got close to half of your life left. Considering all that time you spent during the first half getting pinned down to get changed, learning how to read, and how long it took to get everywhere on your Huffy, the second half has at least as much prime, useable accomplishment time. It's not too late. You're describing a life with a lot of freedom: You own your home. Want to travel? Sublet it for a year. Got a good job?
Take a leave of absence if possible, and start a business, if that's what you really want. Start an online business. You couldn't have done that ten years ago. You were wise to wait for the right moment to come along!
It's also good to remember that what we help other people do is an accomplishment itself, and the love and respect of your family and friends is the mark of a life well lived.
Dear Big Tipper,
I really hate to exercise, but I need to get my fat ass into summer clothes, like, last week. Any short cuts or ideas for a lazy slut like me?
Dear Cellulite Savings Time,
Dimpled Doll
Exercise only becomes an integrated part of your life if you do it consistently. You'll only exercise consistently if you are rewarded in some way, and I mean more directly than with that warm spiritual glow you get from doing the right thing. Those sorts of rewards can include:
1: Social time: Exercise with a friend. It's distracting, and you can help each other get going.
2. Pick an "exercise" that's actually a fun activity. It's a recent phenom that our overriding goal in life is to extract every bit of motion from it in the name of progress and first world luxury.
Ride a bike to work, or just to a nice park. Go dancing (but don't smoke or drink too much if your actually goal is building health). Take a yoga or self-defense or dance class. 3. Write down a reasonable goal. Starting
from zero? How about doing something for twenty minutes a day, four days a week. Then write it down each time you do it. Kept it up for a week? Go get yourself a pedicure, or a piercing or something.
Okay. Party line blah, blah having been spoken, I freaking hate to exercise. Apparently, I was originally purchased in a box with an accessory sofa Velcroed to my ass. Unfortunately, I know I'll keel over dead sooner than I need to if I don't do something with my body, so I employ the Shut Up and Don't Think About It Physical Improvement Plan.
This involves pointing my body in a direction, and moving it before I can talk myself out of it. I go the gym two mornings a week before work. I'm able to force myself to do this only because I'm not even awake until I'm actually on the treadmill, and then my rage at being forced to move is quickly dulled into a sweaty complacency by the pretty moving pictures on MTV. Then two days a week I walk a few miles around a park. I do that with a friend, and the fact that it gives me time with her is reason enough to keep going. It's not a lot, but it's a hell of a lot more than nothing, and frankly, any critics out there can chew my sweaty tights.
That having been said, my last tip would be to surround yourself with fat people. You might feel smaller, and we've been known to show up at summer barbecues with some really good potato salad.
Burning questions? Contact me at the Chronicle, attention Big Tips, P.O. Box 5426, Cleveland 44101, or fax to 216-631-1052, or e-mail to martone@drizzle.com.
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